The Pass By

she laid on her back on the double bed and gazed around the overstuffed hotel room, killing her time as she waited for him to come out of the bathroom. this was their last night together and she didn’t really know what to do with the feeling of intimacy she had experienced through him -for five days now. only five days and there she was in a hotel room- daydreaming in love. 

she thought about the last time she had been with him, about eleven years ago. she didn’t remember much of what happened back then except for having walked together around the streets of a foreign country and having smoked a lot of pot. she remembered though, she liked him immensely by then as well; but this time having shared a sexuality with him made it a much deeper experience for her. 

she concentrated on the noises he made in the bathroom, trying to figure out when he is going to make his way to bed, and when he finally showed up, she understood that he was more drunk than she thought. being drunk made things easier for him in a certain way. he too had been feeling intimate; but had not really realized it up until now. his actions were smoother now; thanks to the feeling of ease alcohol provided him with and the lightness of leaving the next day.

he prized himself with his familiar treat again: the good old cuddly lap of alcohol; a soft and dizzy cloud with after effects of pins and needles- an old numb habit of self abuse.

now; the cloudiness gave him a map of how to show his care for her; for he had the desire to cuddle her for the first time in five days. his rough behavior kind of pulled back and gave way to

an openness in the heart. He laid next to her and gave her an incredibly warm hug.

she was quite surprised at how his behavior became so mellow all of a sudden. he started speaking in a vibration, that reflected his level of comfort with his own intimacy. as he reached his right hand to get a hold of her left breast, his voice condensed into the most genuine of confessions:

“geeze, it’s amazing how you can feel so close to people. i’m gonna miss this”

now this; she was not expecting. she had been a very hard working student of life since the last time they were together. she was quite convinced in herself, that she had the power to get lost in her emotions without giving a lot of meaning to them. life was always raising situations and incidents through people, that she could cling for a while. but then the same life always changed the scene and literally asked her to come back on her track. she believed that she could flow in

and around these changing scenes without getting too attached to the outsidal. that’s why, just before his arrival, a feeling of readiness came over her; almost as if she had the confidence to accept all that will happen without putting a blurring filter of expectations in between. 

that was why she preferred not to question their quality of sex and his unwillingness to make it more emotional. almost at every step she reminded herself, that she could only be responsible for her own flow; that’s why she chose to inhale and internalize every bit of their short and rapid intercourses - that never ended with cuddles-. she literally opened her heart and melted away; transforming what seemed to be a short time plane; into a timeless realm of joy for herself. 

when foggy ideas came over her, about her self worth through his distance and unrelatedness, she just let them be swept away by his unbelievable sense of humor. a humor so grimly put together by his detail analyzing intelligence. a humor that took its power from the very same distance he had between himself and the world around him. the way he did not take any shit seriously -as well as himself- as he made quite rigid, accurate and funny judgements towards the world; gave her the biggest laughters. at times she literally had to put her fingers through her hair and squeeze her head as she laughed, laughed and laughed. 

she knew exactly she was going to suffer a lot when he leaves and suffering too was part of the flow of life. that’s why, she had obsessively been collecting the good quality napkins from all the restaurants thay sat together. she stuffed them in her pocket for the big storm of tears, due to his departure. and yet she also had a certainty within her, that she’ll get through; ‘cause she was okay with life changing its scenes. 

the hug and the confession he had just made, gave her the realization that, he too might have been touched somehow. just like she did not expect the confession, she did not expect him to dip his middle finger into her vagina and say:

“i’m sorry, i’m just lazy. just tell me how to make you happy.”

she sighed and elevated with a momentary feeling of being filled up. women mostly knew that a satisfying intimate sex, almost always needed time, attention and the clearest intention of transferring love. she was really content: he also had realized his laziness and was willing to do something about it.

his directness made her recognize; how trying to be without expectations, held her back at times when she could have proacted with much more enthusiasm; for she was afraid of putting an emotional burden on his shoulders. and now that he opened the way with his directness, she was able to unleash her wild side.

she climbed on top of him, looked into his eyes and mumbled:

“i want your penis, i need your penis to make me happy”

he shook his head from side to side almost with an apology, for alcohol made his penis softer as well as his actions. 

“that’s not possible right now i’m afraid” 

she did not seem to hear his excuse as she almost begged him with all the hunger she had turned into wildness:

“i want to fuck with you one last time before you leave”

the way she begged for his hard on was so naturally sexy and unfiltered; that he had to react with a verbal uproar, eventhough his penis was too paralyzed to implement the orders of his hormones:

“we can even fuck twice if you like”

when she understood there was no hope, she silently went back to where she was laying before she climbed on top of him and he immediately went back to cuddling her. 

the way she recklessly asked to be fulfilled made him wonder:

“how often do you have sex?”

“not so often, I mean you are the first man i’ve slept in one and a half years now”
“but you are so horny, you mean you don’t go for random guys?”

“no, I don’t do that. i’d rather masturbate than do that”

“then you must be masturbating a lot”

as he finished his sentence, he started to act out his incompetency in satisfying her by putting her down. he stroked her head in a theatrical manner and said:

“poor girl, oooww poor girl”

in reaction to his heart stabbing theater, her eyes filled up with tears of being so out there and open for a man; who absolutely had no idea about what he was saying. a bony feeling settled in her throat as she thought; he in no way had any understanding of the deepness she had been sharing with him.

his incredible intelligence in analyzing and the guidance of his good heart helped him realize what he just did; for he was not a man who took pleasure in putting others down. he quickly went on to say as if to change the subject:

“don’t you want something like a long term relationship?”

“not really” she answered. “life gives me what I need, for example now there is you”

he answered almost in a panic that was so intertwined within him; as if to expell and deny any possibility of emotional responsibility and continuity:

“but that does not count, i’m only just passing by”

she smiled as tears began to scroll down from her eyes, looked him direct in the eyes with the certainty life had taught her:

“yes, life too is only just passing by and five years don’t make it more real than five days”